Dear Santa,

I know you will visit again this year.

This year, my wish is not for a gift under the tree or a new pet. My wish is a little more complex because my life has become very complex.

Last year, I had a mobile phone, the mobile phone had 90 contacts and an SMS cost N10 naira for local numbers. This meant that with N1,000 credit, I could send a yuletide message to all my contacts; I could even afford to buy a pack of 20 cards for N1,500 if I was feeling really generous to send the really important people.

Unfortunately, this year, that mobile phone was replaced by a blackberry on which I currently have a Facebook account, Twitter account, Gmail account and Yahoo account. I have 536 friends on Facebook, 104 followers on Twitter, and numerous email addresses on Gmail and Yahoo. This is excluding actual mobile numbers.

While this may seem like a good thing, it really isn’t, simply because I have to send yuletide messages on Facebook, Twitter, by email and SMS. I also have to figure out a way to send pictures, greeting cards whilst sound flighty and fun!

Still not seeing what my problem is? Okay, I’d break it down.

My blackberry has been rendered useless because my track pad is spoilt… my idiot cousin slept on my laptop and now the screen is bad – even if it was good, I would still need a minimum of N5000 to pay for a data connection which I don’t have, so let us not even talk about fixing the screen for now.

Yet something must be done and this brings me to my wish, Dearest Santa!

I need a new identity for Christmas, preferably that of a new baby with no friends and no devices – with no obligations or responsibilities and I am sure you truly understand.

Dear Santa…

Looking forward to waking up on Christmas morning in some unsuspecting rich woman’s uterus.

Yours Desperately,

Etiebong Joseph