This post is specifically for women and young ladies but for any men who happen to be reading, you might find some useful information which may help a friend or sister.
Jerkazoid is a word you wont find in any dictionary at least not yet, but it is a word I created to describe guys who are extremely talented at being jerks, so much so that it seems like a super power or mutant ability.
Spotting a Jerkazoid is an essential step for any female who is dating or planning to date. It is the first step to dodging the bullet of an abusive relationship.
Just so we are on the same page, in my books and a lot of other books, an abusive relationship, is one in which the man physically and/or psychologically hurts or seeks to hurt a woman. Unfortunately, our culture as Africans generally and Nigerians specifically, condones a number of things and downplays abuse in relationships but that doesn’t change the fact that what is wrong is wrong regardless of what culture says.
Most research claims that abusive men have been abused in the past or hurt in some similar way (molestation, a cheating girlfriend, an abusive father or something of the sort). While I am sympathetic to those issues, I honesty believe that if you have baggage, sort yourself out before getting involved with someone else, the world does not need another broken soul!
For ladies, here are a few tips to spot a Jerk within the first 5 dates or less and please when you do take off those heels and run like hell! I don’t care if he is as hot as a Greek god or as rich as Midas! Learn this list and keep it handy for when you meet that new guy.
While physical abuse for me is terribly cannibalistic, psychological abuse is far worse because in some cases the woman doesn’t even know she is in an unhealthy relationship. Abuse like this can lead to depression, low self esteem, substance abuse and even suicidal tendencies – believe me, Africans commit suicide too, I kid you not!
So, here goes the list:
- A guy will be abusive if he tries to play mind games with you. Now I am not averse to intellectual sparing, in fact I find it stimulating but toying with your emotions, finding vulnerabilities only to use them against you, betraying confidence is WRONG! As is promising to do things to gain your trust and then breaking those promises, that is sign of a weak sense of character. I don’t care if he later says he was just trying to “wind” you, the guy has issues and what do we do with damaged goods? We return them to the store and get our money back!
- A guy will be abusive if he is unnecessarily jealous of your friends, job, interests or family. If he gets angry because you want to spend time with your family or tries to monopolize your time, if he tries to isolates you or snoops through your phone or personal stuff. Babe, buy a gun and change your address! 🙂 Just kidding, seriously though, that’s not healthy, end it.
- A guy will be abusive if he cannot stand to have you talk back at him or have an opinion, if he has to be right all the time, if he must always have the last word, chances are, he will not mind using his fist to enforce that or worse, he doesn’t think very highly of your views.
- A guy will be abusive if he hits his sisters or mother. Trust me after a while, in a relationship, the initial gra gra wears off and he will begin to treat you no different from the way he treats the other women in his life. I actually have a theory that if a guy cannot be polite to some random person serving him (e.g. a gate man, waitress or bank teller) he aint got no manners and soon enough that mannerlessness will be directed at you!
- A man will be abusive if he “punishes” you. Now, the application of this will vary from person to person but if he does things he knows you will find particularly hurtful just after a fight or disagreement or even after you have tried to make amends that is not a good sign, it shows pettiness, vengefullness and selfishness.
- A man will be abusive if he has a stereotyped idea of gender roles. I don’t care if he supports it with the bible, use your common sense and filter out what is right and what doesn’t agree with your sensibilities and trust me when I say, YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN! Don’t make the mistake of wasting your life trying.
- A guy will remain abusive if he refuses to seek help or insists there is nothing wrong with the way he is.
Remember this, abuse is deliberate. It is also based on the man thinking that he is superior, entitled and justified in treating a woman any way he pleases. Also, abuse is addictive, if he did it once, he will most likely do it again.
Please pass this on to a friend or sister, you have no idea who you might be helping.